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Straight Allies
„You can’t be serious!“ or what NOT to say, when someone dares to come out
Imagine that you have a friend since early childhood and one day he shares with you that he is gay. Imagine that you start going to a new school and in the class there is a girl who you befriend – you spend all your time together. One day she shares, that she is attracted to people from the same sex. Imagine that your friend shares that she is transgender– a boy, locked in a female body.
The way you react in these situations is of extreme significance to the person who braves coming out but also to yourself. It is time we think about what is OK and what is NOT ok to say or do in these moments. The so called Straight allies are precious in their support and the example they give to society as a whole.
„The decision to come out was very personal and difficult to take“, shared a young gay man not long ago. „There’s always the fear that I will be rejected, bullied, that people would not want to communicate with me, because they would think it is “infectious” or they would be thought of as gay at school.“ These are some of the emotions most LGBTI youth go through, when they come face to face with the reality of coming out.
It is not easy to decide to come out. But sometimes it may also not be easy to take in the news even for the most tolerant, open-minded straight people („This can’t be true!”). They may also feel confused („How come I never felt it?“), awkward („Oh my, how many gay jokes have I shared with this person?“) and unsure about the way they should react („I have to be careful what I say!“). This moment is different for everyone and this article will not give out prescriptions to follow, because people and their stories are not the same. But if you are respectful and patient, there will be less anxiety and awkwardness.
You may find these useful:
ОК! Listen to what this person has to say. What mood are they in? What is the tone of the conversation? Depending on that, you will feel whether they need a hug or just someone who is willing to listen.
NOT ok! Do not rush the person to share details! This would bring discomfort in any case.
ОК! Ask adequate questions! How close is this person to you? How do you usually communicate? What is the boundary which you should not cross?
NOT ok! Do you really think it is necessary to ask HIV and AIDS-related questions? This would be beyond rude. When this close person comes out he/she needs your support, not a health-checklist.
OK! Be sincere in your confusion about the terminology. Just be nice. Here you can read all about LGBTI concepts.
NOT ok! Avoid reactions like “Duuuh” Even if you had your doubts about this person’s sexual orientation or gender identity, if you react in this manner, they might feel offended.
ОК! Confidentiality is all that matters. Has this person come out only to you? Do they want you to keep a secret? In all cases, it is worth knowing that they can trust you not to share this information until they are ready to come out in front of other people.
NOT ok! If you think that they are sharing this because they are in love with you, this will automatically put you in a defensive position and from then on the communication will be really hard.
OK! This is the same person. So treat them the same. Their interests, attitude, hobbies will not change just because they came out. Assure them that everything between the two of you is still the same.
NOT ok! Please stay out of religion, politics, popular psychology! This person didn’t decide to come out so that you have a debate on the topic of “for and against homosexuality in contemporary society” and „how a religious person can also be a gay person”. Do not say that “this is just a phase” and they are actually very confused. Of course you can have different opinions on LGBT topics, but is this really the right moment?
ОК! Thank them for trusting you.
Your friend, close person, relative will be extremely happy to have your support, that you have their back and you accept them for who they really are. Know that this is really important for their emotional state of mind in the context of coming out. You should continue to be a role model in a society in which there are still people who believe that different sexual orientation is akin to a virus that one can “catch”.
Please, share with us your thoughts and comments!
Have you ever been in a similar situation? How did you react? What would you add to our list?
